21 October 2003

(hopeless romantic)

I want to hold your hand
and look deep amid your eyes
yes, deep, so profund in your heart.
yes, deep, so in love with your heart.

And i want to call you mine.
I want to be so close to your soul.
So locked with your soul.
So underneath your embrace
and look within your eyes my love.

Sure, that's all in dreams.

See, it's all a whilpool of bleak solitude
As i look upon your eyes so far away.
And yet so close.

Locked unto your being
Take my hand and I'll be your everything
And you're my everything.
Am i your anything?

Sure, but it's all in dreams.
Dreams that i stray to wake to.
Dreams I struggle to stay.

Romance ever so far away.
Romance so deep amid your eyes.
That look away as i look at my love.
That look at me, so ever in love.

But, It's only a reality.
And i love it.

Tuesdays are always okay. 

P-SAT's today. Juan Pablo sitting behind me making "This is hard" "I'm an African Methodist" comments that I found funny. Apparantly, college seems hard.

So I came back home with sat-words in my head and with x=y's and mathematical symbols, that i came back and went directly to a nice little kip. A nice little nap. Ah, yes, I actually went to a deep slumber buried in uncomfortable pillows, but where my only sort of escape from this day.

No one called me.
Like no one does.

Somehow i had the itch to talk to someone. I went to come mission-hours-thing and helped out in a soup kitchen. (Soup Kitchen: You assume there's soup, but no, there's a big lack of soup. Where did all the soup go?) Out of all the other girls, I am the weirdest one, and ever so antisocial, aw, sorry to disappoint you.

Ha. I've noticed I've been writting for consecutive days in this blog....I deduce that i have no life. ::smiles:: I guess because i lost so many "music privileges" I don't dowload/look up bands anymore. That's all i did online.

Song stuck in my head today: "Alone I BreaK" From Korn. Somehow, somehow, I don't know how it's been in my cranial dimension, floating around with the eerie vocals, but it's awesome.

With my long black cloak
I roam the night
Asking for candy
Oh, a delight!

Unfortunately, my mum hates halloween, so I'm not going to be a vampire or roam the night and ask for candy. Doesn't that suck?
Nothing else to say. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be happy and ever so energetic in sunshine.

20 October 2003

:when i got the music, i have some place to go:: 

Yups, that's rancid. I found i still have their vinyl that i thought my mum through away. Too bad the record player is in my brother's room.
Tarara ralalala (sound of boredom). Everyone is sadden but me, cause i have no reason to be sad. Cheer up everyone. The sun is bright. Smile Empty Soul. ( that's an awesome band name, yes, it's a real band.)
Christian's finally back from New York, lucky her going there, but she will end up moving in December. That saddens me, but she gets to live my dream.

Life is beautiful, It's all temporary depression. Cheer up.

...But I'm also always detached from the world.
And i like that.

19 October 2003

+evaluation in a sentence+ 

"The only thing that makes sense, is that nothing makes sense." I made that up, but does it make sense? There's this quote that states, "If you're not confused, then you are not thinking clearly." Confusion then is essential to our lives, or so, because then there would be no "life story" and it would be so terse and boring saying that life was easy. But it makes no sense to be merely confused about nothing, just to be in that state of mind for the hell of it, or so it appears in my case.

Yesterday, after a gleaming short day of walking in the McAllen mall with Chantal and Vanessa and coming back to a golf cart where i jump off it greening my jeans with grass stains and going back to Van's house for a day of talking depression/idiot-sounding conversations (which are always awesomest), I came back to my home where this long awaited discussion rose. It's just all repetition, this time I'm supposed to "open up" and say what i feel.

"I like red couches.": What the hell am i supposed to say? Sure, i know there's something wrong with me, I don't show any sort of familial emotion and act indifferent and ever so trapped in denial, why? I don't know. And also, the question, Why am i so depressed? I should, and am, happy, possibly because i found "love" (maybe not in love, I'm too young and naive still to know what love is) and life is simply swell. But why do i get sudden blasts of sadness in random selections of my 15-year-old life? I don't know. Diagnose me with "minor depression", but i am not suicidal at any degree, I just somehow express myself completely different from the rest of the world.

Vanessa's mom called me 'weird' yesterday, and I found that humourous and i said very proudly "thank you." Am i weird in the negative way? And why am i so dark? Why am i so depressive where my "verbal art" is so down in darkness?
Van's mom probably meant it in the weird sense as in something-i-don't-see-everyday-but-doesn't-scare-me. All those people that do scare most portions of society that cute themselves, wear black and are fascinated by death don't scare me. Neither do I hang out with them, but i accept them as humans.

And most people in my school dont' and instead make fun of them like they're nothing, just bodies with no souls walking ever so alone.

My mum made the comment that she'd rather have me as "them". I mean the "them" as the group who all they do is gossip and talk of other's lives, who talk about what people did and wore, who get wasted every weekend and kiss random strangers while being intoxicated with alcohol thinking the delusion that it's all great. I'd rather be me. And she said between me now or someone else, it's the someone else she wants in her house.

Should i just say ok so all of this can end?
Should i be "Rebellious" and say screw all of this and i hate it.?
Hate the hate, love the love, but where's the love so i can love it?

See, with my ramblings I'm just making stuff much more complicated and when you think too much you reach an answer that is unrelative to what you started with. All they want me to do is give up my "depression state" (sure i can snap of it it somehow) and give up the music that i love. Yes, music does inspire you, but how does that entity ruin you?

So I leave it at that, awake until 3 in the morning talking about all this, slept until 5 becasue i was practically braindead and unable to sleep. I drove around at that time, with my uncle and mum of course, I'm still in the dictatorship where i can't run off alone yet. But being up that late is so awesome.
I'm nocturnal, you see.

I am no one.
But a ghost, floating.
But a wraith, lurking.
To find my beautiful one.

Ah, i still write the same. Would that be good or bad?

Ah, listen to ska!! Mad Caddies, Assorted Jelly Beans, Less Than Jake, Operation Ivy, Vodoo Glow Skulls, The Aquabats, and the such.
Makes you happy and want to jump aruond like a monkey. Smiles.

16 October 2003

+nothing aches+ 

Seriously, this sucks. Im going to fail the test on the Count of Monte Cristo.
I'd like to be refered as the Poet.
I'd like to be refered as _____'s girlfriend. Which i already am, by some means, and it's flattering but untrue.
I JUST noticed that one of my guitar strigs is fucking broken, 5th string on my accoustic. And i need to take it tomorrow. Ah, blimey. Well, they have to break, it's in their nature. All good things come to an end, it's the sad truth. The state of absolute nirvana doesn't exist on this world.
Chantal, cheer up. Hopelessness lurks in every love. And it kills.

My response to these lyrics: "Will you be my beloved?...Will you be my destruction?" Yes.
Your utmost love has the control to destroy, annihilate your soul by simply walking out and ignoring your breaths. Yes, the person you love the most has the power to destroy you. Hence, love can kill.

I'm dazed. I always am, how can people keep up with me?

life is perplexing, and thats ok. 

Today's soundtrack: J's Static X, stonesour, random songs in burned cd's. Hey, thanks for letting me hear such awedose of the music i miss.

My electric guitar is dead and gone. I grieve in sorrow.

I can't wait until winter and wear coats, partially complain about the weather while slightly shivering and drinking hot chocolate in the student center. It feels like a shelter everytime its winter.
I was gripped by boredom in History and drew Mr Hickson, and many said it was good. Vani didn't know who Jimi Hendrix was, that was overwhelming, and adnrew reacted with a "Whoa, im gonna excommunicate you from me!" (or something of the such). Banish-ed. (Like in romeo and juliet).

I lost my muse.
"Fiction" by Orgy. I heard it in J's cds, and my dear, i love this song so much. It's my obsolete music that i used to zone out to and was in some of my mix tapes. I love looking back at the old and see the change.

My biggest fear: Going through a "life-changing" sittuation and remain unchanged by it.
I'm starting not to care, and it's scaring me.

I like my life. I'm serious. No matter how much i seem ever so depressed, and dark blue, and complaining and saying my "life sucks" rants. Yeah, I'm always so happy-looking, jumping around like an idiot and enjoying the momement, while inside my brain i'm in total turmoil and near-hatred its bitterness. But I'm sincerely glad im alive, I'm glad I'm not dead, I'm glad im going through the things i am.

Im "verbally artistic" according to a personality test.

the moment: Frustration. Speakers bare no sound at all. Boredom. We part.

13 October 2003


your eyes gaze at the sky
arms wrapped around my soul
the somber dream were off minutes ago
i feel you breathe
i felt you alive in your embrace
enamored deep amid my bones
i sought your gaze.
i search your eyes and come back with nothing
but a skeptical window to your world
i search your gaze for a kiss
arms wrapped around me
looking at the scintillating sky
enamored by your soul
moments of sweet din, the night
middle of a calamity, i sought your gaze
this somber reality wore off two days ago
i miss your gaze
and your soul amid my arms

walking in a room laughing so deriliusly
a closet full of dust and plastic flowers
paint the walls red with cataclystic silence.
walk unto a misted room
closing silently behind me
tombs of creativity dug up in the graveyard
restore the dead dreams unto shadows.
corridors outside in dim clouds
the grey bathes in surreal beauty
eerie boxes with the obsolete
familiar tauting air washes delusions
closet full of lost years and dust
x's on the eyes
the substance of fire
indefinite defitenesss brings dazed fire
x's distorted on the eyes
tombs of lost creativity walk back to their grave
lost in a room in its grey paint
closing silently behind me

RANDOM. In Precal i got a 104 in the test and i feel like such a genious and a nerd, but its all good. I had the sudden idea that a good name for a band would be "random society!!". I really REALLY want to be in a band, that would be like a nice little dream. It would be radical. I saw today how mean people are, just listening to them and their accusations makes me glad I'm not part of their group. Minor depression: I don't think he likes me anymore and of course, that stabs my soul. I wish it went back to last week. Millions of excuses lurk in my head but i have to face the sad reality. I have no one. I thank annemarie for making me feel so much better last Friday with the statement: "You will find beautiful indie guy in college that will love you." I wish so. ::brittish accent:: Ah, isn't life swell?
I'm complaining too much.

"in this world, there is nothing but possibilities." Ah, but sometimes possibilities close up and kill you the next second. Heartache. *

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