Delirium.

2003-10-21T21:40:00.000-05:00

(hopeless romantic)

I want to hold your hand
and look deep amid your eyes
yes, deep, so profund in your heart.
yes, deep, so in love with your heart.

And i want to call you mine.
I want to be so close to your soul.
So locked with your soul.
So underneath your embrace
and look within your eyes my love.

Sure, that's all in dreams.

See, it's all a whilpool of bleak solitude
As i look upon your eyes so far away.
And yet so close.

Locked unto your being
Take my hand and I'll be your everything
And you're my everything.
Am i your anything?

Sure, but it's all in dreams.
Dreams that i stray to wake to.
Dreams I struggle to stay.

Romance ever so far away.
Romance so deep amid your eyes.
That look away as i look at my love.
That look at me, so ever in love.

But, It's only a reality.
And i love it.

Tuesdays are always okay.

2003-10-21T20:10:00.000-05:00

P-SAT's today. Juan Pablo sitting behind me making "This is hard" "I'm an African Methodist" comments that I found funny. Apparantly, college seems hard.

So I came back home with sat-words in my head and with x=y's and mathematical symbols, that i came back and went directly to a nice little kip. A nice little nap. Ah, yes, I actually went to a deep slumber buried in uncomfortable pillows, but where my only sort of escape from this day.

No one called me.
Like no one does.

Somehow i had the itch to talk to someone. I went to come mission-hours-thing and helped out in a soup kitchen. (Soup Kitchen: You assume there's soup, but no, there's a big lack of soup. Where did all the soup go?) Out of all the other girls, I am the weirdest one, and ever so antisocial, aw, sorry to disappoint you.

So.....
Ha. I've noticed I've been writting for consecutive days in this blog....I deduce that i have no life. ::smiles:: I guess because i lost so many "music privileges" I don't dowload/look up bands anymore. That's all i did online.

Song stuck in my head today: "Alone I BreaK" From Korn. Somehow, somehow, I don't know how it's been in my cranial dimension, floating around with the eerie vocals, but it's awesome.

Halloween
With my long black cloak
I roam the night
Asking for candy
Oh, a delight!

Unfortunately, my mum hates halloween, so I'm not going to be a vampire or roam the night and ask for candy. Doesn't that suck?
Nothing else to say. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be happy and ever so energetic in sunshine.

:when i got the music, i have some place to go::

2003-10-20T17:29:00.000-05:00

Yups, that's rancid. I found i still have their vinyl that i thought my mum through away. Too bad the record player is in my brother's room.
Tarara ralalala (sound of boredom). Everyone is sadden but me, cause i have no reason to be sad. Cheer up everyone. The sun is bright. Smile Empty Soul. ( that's an awesome band name, yes, it's a real band.)
Christian's finally back from New York, lucky her going there, but she will end up moving in December. That saddens me, but she gets to live my dream.

Life is beautiful, It's all temporary depression. Cheer up.

...But I'm also always detached from the world.
And i like that.

+evaluation in a sentence+

2003-10-19T14:41:00.000-05:00

"The only thing that makes sense, is that nothing makes sense." I made that up, but does it make sense? There's this quote that states, "If you're not confused, then you are not thinking clearly." Confusion then is essential to our lives, or so, because then there would be no "life story" and it would be so terse and boring saying that life was easy. But it makes no sense to be merely confused about nothing, just to be in that state of mind for the hell of it, or so it appears in my case.

Yesterday, after a gleaming short day of walking in the McAllen mall with Chantal and Vanessa and coming back to a golf cart where i jump off it greening my jeans with grass stains and going back to Van's house for a day of talking depression/idiot-sounding conversations (which are always awesomest), I came back to my home where this long awaited discussion rose. It's just all repetition, this time I'm supposed to "open up" and say what i feel.

"I like red couches.": What the hell am i supposed to say? Sure, i know there's something wrong with me, I don't show any sort of familial emotion and act indifferent and ever so trapped in denial, why? I don't know. And also, the question, Why am i so depressed? I should, and am, happy, possibly because i found "love" (maybe not in love, I'm too young and naive still to know what love is) and life is simply swell. But why do i get sudden blasts of sadness in random selections of my 15-year-old life? I don't know. Diagnose me with "minor depression", but i am not suicidal at any degree, I just somehow express myself completely different from the rest of the world.

Vanessa's mom called me 'weird' yesterday, and I found that humourous and i said very proudly "thank you." Am i weird in the negative way? And why am i so dark? Why am i so depressive where my "verbal art" is so down in darkness?
Van's mom probably meant it in the weird sense as in something-i-don't-see-everyday-but-doesn't-scare-me. All those people that do scare most portions of society that cute themselves, wear black and are fascinated by death don't scare me. Neither do I hang out with them, but i accept them as humans.

And most people in my school dont' and instead make fun of them like they're nothing, just bodies with no souls walking ever so alone.

My mum made the comment that she'd rather have me as "them". I mean the "them" as the group who all they do is gossip and talk of other's lives, who talk about what people did and wore, who get wasted every weekend and kiss random strangers while being intoxicated with alcohol thinking the delusion that it's all great. I'd rather be me. And she said between me now or someone else, it's the someone else she wants in her house.

Should i just say ok so all of this can end?
Should i be "Rebellious" and say screw all of this and i hate it.?
Hate the hate, love the love, but where's the love so i can love it?

See, with my ramblings I'm just making stuff much more complicated and when you think too much you reach an answer that is unrelative to what you started with. All they want me to do is give up my "depression state" (sure i can snap of it it somehow) and give up the music that i love. Yes, music does inspire you, but how does that entity ruin you?

So I leave it at that, awake until 3 in the morning talking about all this, slept until 5 becasue i was practically braindead and unable to sleep. I drove around at that time, with my uncle and mum of course, I'm still in the dictatorship where i can't run off alone yet. But being up that late is so awesome.
I'm nocturnal, you see.

I am no one.
But a ghost, floating.
But a wraith, lurking.
To find my beautiful one.

Ah, i still write the same. Would that be good or bad?

Ah, listen to ska!! Mad Caddies, Assorted Jelly Beans, Less Than Jake, Operation Ivy, Vodoo Glow Skulls, The Aquabats, and the such.
Makes you happy and want to jump aruond like a monkey. Smiles.

+nothing aches+

2003-10-16T23:45:00.000-05:00

Seriously, this sucks. Im going to fail the test on the Count of Monte Cristo.
haphazard:
I'd like to be refered as the Poet.
I'd like to be refered as _____'s girlfriend. Which i already am, by some means, and it's flattering but untrue.
I JUST noticed that one of my guitar strigs is fucking broken, 5th string on my accoustic. And i need to take it tomorrow. Ah, blimey. Well, they have to break, it's in their nature. All good things come to an end, it's the sad truth. The state of absolute nirvana doesn't exist on this world.
Chantal, cheer up. Hopelessness lurks in every love. And it kills.

My response to these lyrics: "Will you be my beloved?...Will you be my destruction?" Yes.
Your utmost love has the control to destroy, annihilate your soul by simply walking out and ignoring your breaths. Yes, the person you love the most has the power to destroy you. Hence, love can kill.

I'm dazed. I always am, how can people keep up with me?

life is perplexing, and thats ok.

2003-10-16T19:01:00.000-05:00

Today's soundtrack: J's Static X, stonesour, random songs in burned cd's. Hey, thanks for letting me hear such awedose of the music i miss.

My electric guitar is dead and gone. I grieve in sorrow.

I can't wait until winter and wear coats, partially complain about the weather while slightly shivering and drinking hot chocolate in the student center. It feels like a shelter everytime its winter.
I was gripped by boredom in History and drew Mr Hickson, and many said it was good. Vani didn't know who Jimi Hendrix was, that was overwhelming, and adnrew reacted with a "Whoa, im gonna excommunicate you from me!" (or something of the such). Banish-ed. (Like in romeo and juliet).

I lost my muse.
"Fiction" by Orgy. I heard it in J's cds, and my dear, i love this song so much. It's my obsolete music that i used to zone out to and was in some of my mix tapes. I love looking back at the old and see the change.

My biggest fear: Going through a "life-changing" sittuation and remain unchanged by it.
I'm starting not to care, and it's scaring me.

I like my life. I'm serious. No matter how much i seem ever so depressed, and dark blue, and complaining and saying my "life sucks" rants. Yeah, I'm always so happy-looking, jumping around like an idiot and enjoying the momement, while inside my brain i'm in total turmoil and near-hatred its bitterness. But I'm sincerely glad im alive, I'm glad I'm not dead, I'm glad im going through the things i am.

Im "verbally artistic" according to a personality test.

the moment: Frustration. Speakers bare no sound at all. Boredom. We part.

titleless

2003-10-13T18:38:00.000-05:00

your eyes gaze at the sky
arms wrapped around my soul
the somber dream were off minutes ago
i feel you breathe
i felt you alive in your embrace
enamored deep amid my bones
i sought your gaze.
i search your eyes and come back with nothing
but a skeptical window to your world
i search your gaze for a kiss
arms wrapped around me
looking at the scintillating sky
enamored by your soul
moments of sweet din, the night
middle of a calamity, i sought your gaze
this somber reality wore off two days ago
silence.
i miss your gaze
and your soul amid my arms

walking in a room laughing so deriliusly
a closet full of dust and plastic flowers
paint the walls red with cataclystic silence.
walk unto a misted room
closing silently behind me
tombs of creativity dug up in the graveyard
restore the dead dreams unto shadows.
corridors outside in dim clouds
the grey bathes in surreal beauty
eerie boxes with the obsolete
familiar tauting air washes delusions
closet full of lost years and dust
x's on the eyes
the substance of fire
indefinite defitenesss brings dazed fire
x's distorted on the eyes
tombs of lost creativity walk back to their grave
lost in a room in its grey paint
closing silently behind me

RANDOM. In Precal i got a 104 in the test and i feel like such a genious and a nerd, but its all good. I had the sudden idea that a good name for a band would be "random society!!". I really REALLY want to be in a band, that would be like a nice little dream. It would be radical. I saw today how mean people are, just listening to them and their accusations makes me glad I'm not part of their group. Minor depression: I don't think he likes me anymore and of course, that stabs my soul. I wish it went back to last week. Millions of excuses lurk in my head but i have to face the sad reality. I have no one. I thank annemarie for making me feel so much better last Friday with the statement: "You will find beautiful indie guy in college that will love you." I wish so. ::brittish accent:: Ah, isn't life swell?
I'm complaining too much.

"in this world, there is nothing but possibilities." Ah, but sometimes possibilities close up and kill you the next second. Heartache. *

rain induntates and pain sucks

2003-10-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

How emo is that title? Sunday. Another day of a blank mind. I came back yesterday from the dance at 1 and when i got home i couldn't sleep at all so i ended staring at the ceiling for a period of time. I actually dance, I know it sounds absurd and bloody messed up but i couldn't disappoint the crowd. (trina and elissa!) I'm tired out of my skull, only sleep is the cure. And cafeine. So far I'm 80% cured with a semi-thinking brain and wet feet. I went to confirmation classes when it was raining hard, so they ended up to be canceled and i stayed there for an hour waiting for my parents. It wasn't bad, i can handle waiting, ever so alone (silver and cold). I was outside under the steel canopy shade thing and since the rain was pounding hard, i decided to sing. No one would hear me, cause no one was around and the rain was too loud. So thats what i did. Ah little lame me. Most shocking things in the world this week: My friend (shall remain annonymous) got grounded by her parents for hanging out with band people instead of the "popular group", or so i heard. What i react to this: *throws chair out the window* Whats so wrong with that? The in-crowd poisons your mind! Also: another comment on that, some other girl, at the table before the dance, said that she hated band people cause they were lame. Hello. You're sitting next to a person who is a total dork. Oh well.
I miss my music, lost my poetic device and I'm still a sad individual.
Daniela said if that happened she'd run away. Run away to where or what i ask?
Christian is still in New York, lucky her, bloody brilliant. I hope she's having fun.

WRITTINGS:
Sleep is almost half was climbing on my head
curling up on my prikling neck
like a black cat waiting to be recognized as superstition
drumming its introduction to my heartbeat-
the pedals of the red rose i dream of are eaten
by the million pixels the brain forgot to add
It's a red cloud of confusion
Life is "down the drain and oh so sweetly delusional
filled with repetitive songs."
I've heard the word "despair" and "empty" 14 consecutive times
I now am empty from despair
And i am despairing because of emptiness

Ah boredom. As you can see i can't write as i used to.

utter jadedness in my head

2003-10-11T15:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in a long time, possibly becasue A) school and no time and B) i lost my muse, my inspiration, my love. My mum took my music away and i have "limits" to when i play the guitar. According to her its satanic demonic bleeding music. Oh well. i have never have any control over situations. School's been the same, met new awesome people and a conflict that i don't know how to deal with it, because stuff like that doesn't present itself in my life. I'll be vague. I'm actually going to homecoming, its unsane and ever so formal but Trina almost begged me to go. The guy i wanted to go never asked me to go so what the hell? I'll just go, and be the anti wallflower i am, undancing, watching.
Undead Poets Society is so awesome, whoever says otherwise is ignorant.
Top things i miss:
1) Listening to music in my room while i look for something i do. Moments like that rock.
2) Playing the guitar sitting on the floor without my mum asking me what the hell im playing.
3) Writting and painting.
4) bracelets and my necklaces i made.
5) the color black.

err
recent writtings:
none. WHOEVER FINDS MY MUSE RETURN IT.

I have no opinions, no poems, no art to say here. Ever so speechlessful.
I'll post something of interest later.

school kills my shoulders

2003-08-11T19:19:00.000-05:00

I'm back to the tan lockers, painful shoulders, due papers and old crushes and new attractions. I forgot my lock combanation and had to make a trip to the office to that mean looking secratary. So far i like the same guy from last year, and chantal finds me insane. It was anna's birthday today and i got to get her soemthing. Daniela's birthday is coming up, im going to surprise her with a phone call. So far, my classes are nice, more people are talking to me and i seem to be a little less quiet. My speech class is filled with so many guys and i don't talk to any of them except ferni, so im a stranger. Its the only class that i am "alone". Today i only had one textbook and my shoulders ached with my messanger bag (which andrew liked) and i met this german guy infront of me in pre-cal, who happened to like system and told me what the rammstein song titles meant.

and the night wears off
and outlines my eyes with blue shadows
i can't sleep thinking of what can happen.
the night wears off
my energy dormant deep in my lungs
strangling the last of my hope
why did you have to speak to me
when i was about to forget
the night wears off the last drop of tears.
i dangle on a dream im forcing to display
a dream i wish was embeded into this skull-
the kid stares at the clock
thiking only of his solitude
when everything made of atoms passes him by.
like me.

(written RIGHT now)

a dull afternoon and the weekend to not look foward

2003-08-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

My parents are going to go to the ranch, and since they don't trust me, they are leving me with my grandma. I don't have much to complain but there's nothing to do there and im leaving the sanctuary of my room. I don't have Driver's ed today, but i do tomorrow, in the fucking morning, and i hate waking up early. On saturday im going to a surprise party, something to look foward, but i hope i don't get carried away insane, like i did at vanessa's and pamela's party (both at vanessa's house, maybe the house curses me crazy). I remember Elissa commented that she should take me to a rave. Anyways, i don't think i'll get eva a present cause my parents didn't leave me any money, and that sucks, cause i really want to get her something. I saw her at the block bash thingy, and we all act the same, and it's all so awesome.
I don't know if i'll go with chantal or trina to the mall, i feel like being a mallrat, don't you? Have you seen that movie by the way? It's awesome. Comic books are actually pretty cool, i was reading one of my brother's, i think the only one he owns, spiderman. I felt like a geek that day.
and then this was the weirdest convo ive ever had, or one of them:
Started with Henry the 8th, i turned to the girls behind me to say "yeah he was the one that killed his wives cause he wanted a divorse and he started the anglican church."
This other kid, sitting in front of me, Tom, commented on that and said "yeah that king was a sex addict."
So then that other girl said that king should be castrated. Sounded like a good idea.
Then the talk about castration.
then tom talked about his castrated cats and how they fuck any cat, female or male, when their in heat and all this other shit.
None of us get discusted.
I laugh. We all laugh at how the convo got from constitutianal monarchy to sex addixtiong cats.
ISn't it a beautiful day?

nothing

2003-07-31T20:32:00.000-05:00

scribbled papers in a bedroom
lost in the dark abyss in a draawer
unactive walls colored with paper
the dream i can't remember.
an open mind winds like a white beach
the sky in the hue of red
the sand disappeared and turned to wooden floors
and a familiar song came into my ears.
glow in the dark smirks await
my head turns to see some strange entering
and there you are on the floor
smiling
looking at me as though you love me.
i woke up to see a failing ceiling
and i laugh at the pain.
i want the ceiling to just crash on me.
the sky burns with morbid statements
as i suffocate in your averted eyes
looking at me as though you never loved me.

the art of summer?

2003-07-27T12:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, i went to the mall, awaiting a usual glimpse of him, maybe a wave, and just being a 4-hour mallrat. I saw Aaron, Tarah, Eva, this kid from art, and J and Esteban. A lot of people i guess, its rad. Awesome how things play out, i got to see local punk bands play some covers and originals, i left at around 6:30 but i had to come back for the rest of the night. So i came with Elissa, who fell in love with the energetic dorky frontman of Division 623. I took my camera of course and told that guy i was from the paper, the photographer, he got pretty excited and believed my obvious lie, then again i don't look 15. Took pictures of the mosh pit, the people swaying to the music and the stage. I ran to get their demos, Eyesore, and i was the first one up there before a mob come in. Someone hit me on my sides, someone stepped on chantal's hand (my sympathies to you) and someone hit J too.
I've always wanted to come to one of these, one was in los fresnos and andrews band was there, i expected them to play in this block bash thing.
Supposedly Im never going to see a concert again.
And i fucking want to go to the Warped Tour. Someone take me away.

LOVE IS BLIND
bleeding in a pool of breathless feelings
a fusion right between my ears
just want to escape
escape

you make me feel
seconds of contact
play as an unfolding lifetime
and the pain between my eyes
lacks the remedy
i want to see you closer
it hurts

a year without a name
being hurts
untitled wishe in my head
you want to see me closer?
hurts

(scream)
want to escape
escape
escape

*song i wrote, i need to write the music to it thou*

the sun can kill

2003-07-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

I went to Tuxpan in Mexico to see some family and i ended up being quiet most of the time. Which i usually do. it was so hot but i managed, lying on the couches listening to afi and deftones and tiger army and mxpx, listening to what they have to say.
Tuxpan:
- - it is allowed to go to a night club and drink regardless of age. i went to one, but i got bored. the music sucked.
-- you can also jump in the river for a swim stoptaneously
- you don't need to ask for permission for a bonfire
-- you can drive whatever age you want
- and so many people drown

i actually witnessed one. I was with my cousin, Claudia, and her boyfriend, who was awesome and a skater (not so good though). By the side of the river, there was a crowd, so we dicided to stop. You can actually see the body floating on the water. They carried him off after taking pictures, the body grotesquely floating in its death. And i fucking forgot my camera, since i take pictures of anything and everything... my eyes are the camera lenses, what i see i shoot.

I'll write more later.

Unreachable love:
It's like sinking in some depth
underwater
in a gloom dark azure world
waiting to drown
but you don't
you're on the verge of drowning
waiting to drown
but you can't die
and your alive with that feeling of suffocation

7/22-03 (unknown time)

emo sucks?

2003-07-14T01:38:00.000-05:00

I've been called emo so much now but how can i be "emotional" when it seems i don't feel? Oh wells. Daniela is going to the warped tour and is going to see fucking AFI, which i love. I think Davey Havok writes genious poetic lyrics and its all sweet sadness, like they're drowning in depression or something, but it's great. The "Black Sails in the Sunset" and "The Art of Drowning" are great albums.
I didn't do much today, being Sunday but i wrote a song that sounds so damn goth and hurt, am i like that? Dan i apologizze for calling you a depressing person, im sorry, if you took it in a wrong way.
I still want a vinyl collection.
I want to see Aaron, i miss him so much.
and anna, haven't talk to her in person for a long long time.
I saw my friend Tiffany in the mall the other day, and i think i freaked out Trina cause she was haging out with goths. She's still nice and cheerful.
Johnny Depp is my favorite actor now.
really i have not much to say, im just rambling on random things.

raw fish is good

2003-07-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

I'm at Houston, currently in Sugarland (which i call land of the sugar) over at my friends house. It's weird how i plainly hurt today: my leg, my stomach, my eye, my neck, my head...why do i still bother to stay up and talk i don't know. Yesterday i went to the chinese markets and it was awesome cause i love my chinese part, and my gradma is so sweet and also against my mom that we had a discussion about her when we were eating bagels yesterday. That was actually the first time ive talked to her that much. i think the deftones are one of the most genious bands in lyric-writing, being twisted, but original. Chi cheng's poem of "the portean of an ant colony" is great. My website, or my domain, had been claimed but i need to publish the site...for future references go to www.boredreverie.4f.com . I've been a hardcore insomniac these past days, some people say its adrenaline, but what should i be excited about? Stephen told me to get checked up for insomnia, but i like to stay up. And the insomnis got me back today so i was tired out of my skull that i yawned every minute and i looked so stoned, that even my mom asked me if i had done drugs that day. She was scared and i think personaly she thinks i do do drugs. /// I'm going to go to the art musuems and to the small bookshops or records, (one which is cactus records, etc.) all which are around the street Richmond and shepard, if you are ever in Houston, go around and look. I'm at my friend's house today, which i am going to stay with for a while, and her parents are the sweetest people. Raw fish is great: Sushi is so great and with all the japanese words i wish aaron was with me since he's trying to pick up japanese. Chantal finally arrived back to Brownsville. I guess Hawaii was a thrill. I haven't heard from anyone else, so it seems like a small invisible world i am on. My mom wasn't going to give me any money to spend for Houston because my cel phone bill was $143 or some shit like that (and i will blame this on Dan, hehe), but really i don't care, i wanted to talk! But she gave my around 200, which i will spend on AFi cds that I've always wanted. She gave my a restriction: no black shirts, which again i mention, my mom thinks i want to be a drug addict goth, which i kind of act like that once in a while. I'm just semi-anti-social. Most of the time i think. Dude this is twisted:

Digital Bath

• Chino wrote this song thinking about a sexual fantasy that he had about luring a girl into a bath and then electrocuting her with an appliance or something then dressing her back up. "It was probably 5 in the morning--we were still up partying--and I just pictured this whole scenario of having this girl, bringing her downstairs and taking a bath and like, out of nowhere, just reaching back and electrocuting--basically throwing some kind of electrical device in the bathtub and then taking her out of the bath and drying her off and putting her clothes back on." - CHINO (thanks to Nat Jeanneret / GhettoRocker316@aol.com)

Well what can i say, an individual's mind it's its own world. Tomorrow, more chinese food, which is great, hopefully i'll go to some artistic places. My friend and i had some awesome discussions. It'll be fun. They wanted me to go to Singapore with them, which i think would be an awesome exprience, but it's too soon, supposedly my operation is still unhealed and my mom said maybe next-year. Maybe i'll learn some chinese, who knows?
"in this world there is nothing but possibilities."

bored to my skull

2003-06-28T18:47:00.000-05:00

The word summer should be replaced my "inevitable boredom", don't you think? I've been reading on psychology, art, trying automatism to look in my subconcious, and looking for a way to get out of this damn trapping house.

"there are times when i look over the various parts of my character with perplexity. i recognize that i am made up of several persons and that the person that at the moment has the upper hand will enevitably give place to another. but wich is the real one? all of them or none?"
- Somerset Maugham

untitled

struggling to breathe
drowning in sorrow
utter confusion to the blind
resume life from its eye
to see the terror passing by...
days to days we live:
its hard to imagine
a simple change of plan
and the terror finally switches
buried in memory's sand.
running away to nothing
bombarded everything with no words
it's so deep, so mesmerizing
the way i seem to be ..

I was watching Better Off Dead, and i think it was one of the coolest movies ive ever seen. I love the young John Cussak. Funny. He was trying to commit suicide in smoe scenes, which failed, but there was this poem about suicide that i heard in class that was pretty good despite its topic (Im not suicidal, i think). Its from Dorothy Parker:
resume

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Supposely im a very dark personality person, am i? well i don't know.

2003-06-22T17:12:00.000-05:00

A DREAm within a dream
(Edgar Allan Poe)

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
thus much let ma avow-
you are not wrong, who deem
that my days have been a dream;
yet if hope has flown away
in a night, or in a day
in a vision, or in none
is it therefore the less gone?
all that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream

i stand amid the roar
of a surf- tormented shore,
and i hold within my hand
grains of golden sand-
how few! yet how they creep
through my fingers to the deep,
while i weep- while i weep!
oh god! can i not grasp
them with a tighted clasp?
oh god! can i not save
ONE from the pitiless wave?
is ALL all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?

Poe........ this is my favorite poem, i don't know why. And I don;t reallly like the ones that rhyme but his poems are genious and so sad and beutiful.

repetition

2003-06-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

boredom sinks in
"the cure to boredom is curiousity. There is no cure for curiousity," Ive been writing.

phantoms pass by the window
and its all dark- aluminum lights
flowing over and over
in the mystery of the night
alone-weary, wandering about
the night devoured
the night seized to be
every nocturnal substance seized to be
alone- the possibilities censored
everything passes by like a light
up and down a phantom path
to more darkness- alone
awake, so sweetly weary
so speechless, dreary
and the night seized to be
and the sleeper seized to be
alone-weary
the night devoured him

We are all numbers and barcodes made to satisfy the "humanity" with more numbers, digits and statistics. It's hopeless- if you're trying to get out, the escape route has been deleted. So you just can't leave this realm of reality. It would be an act of cowardance according to the blinking circumstances that are always watching your every move. It's distrubing the fact that a person talks to you judging you by how you look. Forget the facts and resume your living.

(just some stuff Ive written for no reason) more??

the weary go back
to their lonesome beds
embracing infinite space
with nothing to lose
the loved go back
to their warmth
embracing the being
of someone else
with everything in the brink of loss

"the man who sold the world" Nirvana..... it;s a great song with great lyrics. " I think i died alone/ a long long time ago/ no not me/ i never lost control/ to face, your face/ with the man who sold the world" Listen to it. Im started to get all light headed again. I get dizzy when i mmove to much, i don't know why i like to get dizzy.

recovery

2003-06-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

I feel like a corpse in a mourge- in a way that i mean i have a name tag on my wrist the hospital gave me as my identity. Really- this is the first day of recovery and they gave me painkillers, some 50 of them, for no pain- and im minorly bleeding. It's just a massive feeling of laziness and I've never slept so much in my life. And i can't play the guitar for lack of movement. And i cant see because i can't put on my glasses so i feel even more vulnerable and everythings so damn blurry! One side of my room is a duplicate of a hospital and "I want to be sedated" is my theme song to my operation as trina and i said. (the sedation was awesome) Talking about the Ramones, i was watching Rock and Roll High School- I wish i lived at the time of them, the sex pistols or the clash, of the misfits and black flag...gabba gabba hey! Yesterday was as a yesterday would be, so old so long ago, i was listening to the radio and i think the drummer to Metallica in "Saint Anger" was quite a rush. These two days are the ultimate delirium, i feel like a walking zombie with nothing to do, my neck feels like its going to come off, but why should i complain? Im not at all dying. My mom over exagerated and said that i could die yesterday. So i wrote all the things i did before i would "die" (and it was NO suicide note). The Last things i did: 1. ate chinese soup 2. watched the 100 greatest songs in vh1 (im glad "Creep" Radiohead, "Good Riddance" Green Day, "Enter Sandman" MEtallica, and "Wonderwall" Oasis made it. ) 3. Talked to Triana 4. Listened to System of A Down before sleep (which i didn't sleep anyway) "forest" and "ATWA" are genious songs 5. Read the book "Holocaust". The last song d/l would be "Riot" from THE CODE. Well, that would have been the last things done at earth, morbid as it sounds, but im alive, and why not think of it?

"You Know How i Do" Taking back Sunay
"Guilty by Association" H2O
"Do you know what i love the most?" Saves the DAy
"Spiders" System of a Down
"Where we Belong" Misfits
"Saint Anger" MEtallica
"Bloodstains" Agent Orange

Quote of the day "I didn't know getting laid was so expensive" i find that so funny.

some test

2003-06-15T20:12:00.000-05:00

http://www.csua.berkeley.edu/~sarahfsk/dork.html

its a are you a dork test

i obviously am.

hmmm. quote of the day!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"
-Albert Einstein

a quote that proves MY insanity

2003-06-15T20:04:00.000-05:00

screaming
reality is reality
disbelief is my thought to any statement
saying to the contrary
like screaming at a wall
but then you forgot
and those fiery eyes are sucked cold
and you don't understand me

this isa place
in the middle of somewhere
and where everyone wants to escape
from the reality
and death can be found in life
as life can't be found in death
and love can be so fake
and hate can be so painless
lying is probable as the truth impossible
and were going somewhere fast too clow
some never saw that glow of that sun
and everylight has its shadows
in this dreary world
and sometimes being trapped is the only way out
and no one accepts their faults
and even an eye on your hand won't help
and anger really does hurt
in this dreary world
at least now i know
i a m r e a l

<<5-18'03>> *just typing random things ive written. what it means i dunno*
* d/l "bored" from the deftones...its a good song to just fade away into the song.
supposely nu metal is dying and im glad..(according to an article at www.mxtabs.net ). Really nu metal wasn't all that good, with that electronic shit in it. Korn is said to be fading away. Chevelle is said to be raising. Talking about chevelle, their "send the pain below" is a good song, i love it execpt the bridge..they messed up the song.
The warped tour is coming! the closest is at houston (in my opinion) and some great bands are coming (go to www.warpedtour.com). I really want to go, one of my dreams.
Dreams
1. get an electric guitar (done)
2. learn drums and bass
3. learn to skateboard
4. go to london
5. break a guitar (not mines)
6. work at a rock radio station
7. drive a golf kart like the jackass crew
8. go to the waperd tour
9. ....

today

2003-06-15T16:33:00.000-05:00

just a music review sort of site, with cool links.

songs to d/l "brain's song" the code
"total immortal" AFI
"alone" the unseen
"defiled" new bomb turks
"corruption" rancid
"mexico" incubus
"go" the vandals
"jaked on green beers" alkaline trio
"days of the phoenix" AFI
"forest" system of a down
"no reason" godsmack
really there is not much to say

silent corruption

2003-06-15T14:36:00.000-05:00

i just started to write, this is what i got:

a sky so blue and tainted
swoons of the product disdain
the subnormal trampled over
superior feelings bring the pain
going backwards doesn't fix
the damage done by the rest
some watch powerless the dull
shiver from the aftershock and mess
manacles are made from paper
some are trapped within their skulls
they don't want to come out to
experience the dizzy prevailing pull
shift, clicks-the dread in the words
everyone listens to the electron flow
following the person in front
believing that hot is cold
twisted is equal to society
in the eyes of some that plead
for a change of direstion, to the better
in a world where we all just seem

2:13 AM <<6-14'03>>
this could be interpreted anyway. Really, my poetry are just mere words put together and find some meaning in them. Some i feel, some i wish to feel and some i don't. Its the way i write.

are people really reading this?

just a day

2003-06-14T19:38:00.000-05:00

you know that song "brainstew" from green day? I felt like that some 11 hours ago. i couldn't sleep at all and i lost all sort of artistic inspiration. i couldn't draw, paint, write etc. my eyes hurt. my skull throbed. my head ached. and this happened for one miserable hour. i slept for one lousy hour and i awake to get that yell from my mom. the internet would kick me out every 10 minutes and any conversationi had was cut off. every download got cut off. > really im not someone who makes tantrums.........have you ever fallen in love with a song? might sound pathetic but it just makes me feel so great, the whole shitty world can look down on me and if that particular song is on i won't care! (metaphorly) right now, im in love with THE CODE. their album "alert aware involved" (also a song, awesome!) had political and realism in it, with their "riot" and their "40 hour week" (which i love it, its a ska kind of tune, and im not THAT much into ska.) i listened to that cd in the bus on the way to sherman, tx for the great debate. i obviously lost. but i borowed it from this guy who calls, or called me a poser for liking punk. i do like it. im not a poser. and I DID KNOW WHO THE UNSEEN were! he thinks im lying! ..but yes, that cd i listened to around 4 to 6 times...and more at sherman and the way back. i would never skip a song. the code are now one of my ultimate favorite bands and i suggest you to listen to them. i remember getting headphone ears right after, for listening to it so much. isn't life rad??
thats my quote today. those who are depressed don't like that, they say life sucks. maybe it does, but why not see through the consuming darkness and see the little small things, the nice parts of life? and want to hear something scary that i saw today? the word "evil" backwards spells "live"... that keeps me skepticle. but im not going to be evil. ...all apologies for rambling on. all apologies for getting you confused.

*m
y
R
a*

Testing

2003-06-14T03:41:00.000-05:00

This is Dan, testing for Myra, who is indisposed at the moment.