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28 June 2003

bored to my skull 

The word summer should be replaced my "inevitable boredom", don't you think? I've been reading on psychology, art, trying automatism to look in my subconcious, and looking for a way to get out of this damn trapping house.

"there are times when i look over the various parts of my character with perplexity. i recognize that i am made up of several persons and that the person that at the moment has the upper hand will enevitably give place to another. but wich is the real one? all of them or none?"
- Somerset Maugham

untitled

struggling to breathe
drowning in sorrow
utter confusion to the blind
resume life from its eye
to see the terror passing by...
days to days we live:
its hard to imagine
a simple change of plan
and the terror finally switches
buried in memory's sand.
running away to nothing
bombarded everything with no words
it's so deep, so mesmerizing
the way i seem to be ..

I was watching Better Off Dead, and i think it was one of the coolest movies ive ever seen. I love the young John Cussak. Funny. He was trying to commit suicide in smoe scenes, which failed, but there was this poem about suicide that i heard in class that was pretty good despite its topic (Im not suicidal, i think). Its from Dorothy Parker:
resume

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Supposely im a very dark personality person, am i? well i don't know.

22 June 2003

A DREAm within a dream
(Edgar Allan Poe)

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
thus much let ma avow-
you are not wrong, who deem
that my days have been a dream;
yet if hope has flown away
in a night, or in a day
in a vision, or in none
is it therefore the less gone?
all that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream

i stand amid the roar
of a surf- tormented shore,
and i hold within my hand
grains of golden sand-
how few! yet how they creep
through my fingers to the deep,
while i weep- while i weep!
oh god! can i not grasp
them with a tighted clasp?
oh god! can i not save
ONE from the pitiless wave?
is ALL all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?

Poe........ this is my favorite poem, i don't know why. And I don;t reallly like the ones that rhyme but his poems are genious and so sad and beutiful.

repetition 

boredom sinks in
"the cure to boredom is curiousity. There is no cure for curiousity," Ive been writing.

phantoms pass by the window
and its all dark- aluminum lights
flowing over and over
in the mystery of the night
alone-weary, wandering about
the night devoured
the night seized to be
every nocturnal substance seized to be
alone- the possibilities censored
everything passes by like a light
up and down a phantom path
to more darkness- alone
awake, so sweetly weary
so speechless, dreary
and the night seized to be
and the sleeper seized to be
alone-weary
the night devoured him

We are all numbers and barcodes made to satisfy the "humanity" with more numbers, digits and statistics. It's hopeless- if you're trying to get out, the escape route has been deleted. So you just can't leave this realm of reality. It would be an act of cowardance according to the blinking circumstances that are always watching your every move. It's distrubing the fact that a person talks to you judging you by how you look. Forget the facts and resume your living.

(just some stuff Ive written for no reason) more??

the weary go back
to their lonesome beds
embracing infinite space
with nothing to lose
the loved go back
to their warmth
embracing the being
of someone else
with everything in the brink of loss

"the man who sold the world" Nirvana..... it;s a great song with great lyrics. " I think i died alone/ a long long time ago/ no not me/ i never lost control/ to face, your face/ with the man who sold the world" Listen to it. Im started to get all light headed again. I get dizzy when i mmove to much, i don't know why i like to get dizzy.

19 June 2003

recovery 

I feel like a corpse in a mourge- in a way that i mean i have a name tag on my wrist the hospital gave me as my identity. Really- this is the first day of recovery and they gave me painkillers, some 50 of them, for no pain- and im minorly bleeding. It's just a massive feeling of laziness and I've never slept so much in my life. And i can't play the guitar for lack of movement. And i cant see because i can't put on my glasses so i feel even more vulnerable and everythings so damn blurry! One side of my room is a duplicate of a hospital and "I want to be sedated" is my theme song to my operation as trina and i said. (the sedation was awesome) Talking about the Ramones, i was watching Rock and Roll High School- I wish i lived at the time of them, the sex pistols or the clash, of the misfits and black flag...gabba gabba hey! Yesterday was as a yesterday would be, so old so long ago, i was listening to the radio and i think the drummer to Metallica in "Saint Anger" was quite a rush. These two days are the ultimate delirium, i feel like a walking zombie with nothing to do, my neck feels like its going to come off, but why should i complain? Im not at all dying. My mom over exagerated and said that i could die yesterday. So i wrote all the things i did before i would "die" (and it was NO suicide note). The Last things i did: 1. ate chinese soup 2. watched the 100 greatest songs in vh1 (im glad "Creep" Radiohead, "Good Riddance" Green Day, "Enter Sandman" MEtallica, and "Wonderwall" Oasis made it. ) 3. Talked to Triana 4. Listened to System of A Down before sleep (which i didn't sleep anyway) "forest" and "ATWA" are genious songs 5. Read the book "Holocaust". The last song d/l would be "Riot" from THE CODE. Well, that would have been the last things done at earth, morbid as it sounds, but im alive, and why not think of it?

"You Know How i Do" Taking back Sunay
"Guilty by Association" H2O
"Do you know what i love the most?" Saves the DAy
"Spiders" System of a Down
"Where we Belong" Misfits
"Saint Anger" MEtallica
"Bloodstains" Agent Orange

Quote of the day "I didn't know getting laid was so expensive" i find that so funny.

15 June 2003

some test 

http://www.csua.berkeley.edu/~sarahfsk/dork.html

its a are you a dork test

i obviously am.

hmmm. quote of the day!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"
-Albert Einstein

a quote that proves MY insanity
screaming
reality is reality
disbelief is my thought to any statement
saying to the contrary
like screaming at a wall
but then you forgot
and those fiery eyes are sucked cold
and you don't understand me

this isa place
in the middle of somewhere
and where everyone wants to escape
from the reality
and death can be found in life
as life can't be found in death
and love can be so fake
and hate can be so painless
lying is probable as the truth impossible
and were going somewhere fast too clow
some never saw that glow of that sun
and everylight has its shadows
in this dreary world
and sometimes being trapped is the only way out
and no one accepts their faults
and even an eye on your hand won't help
and anger really does hurt
in this dreary world
at least now i know
i a m r e a l


<<5-18'03>> *just typing random things ive written. what it means i dunno*
* d/l "bored" from the deftones...its a good song to just fade away into the song.
supposely nu metal is dying and im glad..(according to an article at www.mxtabs.net ). Really nu metal wasn't all that good, with that electronic shit in it. Korn is said to be fading away. Chevelle is said to be raising. Talking about chevelle, their "send the pain below" is a good song, i love it execpt the bridge..they messed up the song.
The warped tour is coming! the closest is at houston (in my opinion) and some great bands are coming (go to www.warpedtour.com). I really want to go, one of my dreams.
Dreams
1. get an electric guitar (done)
2. learn drums and bass
3. learn to skateboard
4. go to london
5. break a guitar (not mines)
6. work at a rock radio station
7. drive a golf kart like the jackass crew
8. go to the waperd tour
9. ....

today 


just a music review sort of site, with cool links.

songs to d/l "brain's song" the code
"total immortal" AFI
"alone" the unseen
"defiled" new bomb turks
"corruption" rancid
"mexico" incubus
"go" the vandals
"jaked on green beers" alkaline trio
"days of the phoenix" AFI
"forest" system of a down
"no reason" godsmack
really there is not much to say

silent corruption 

i just started to write, this is what i got:

a sky so blue and tainted
swoons of the product disdain
the subnormal trampled over
superior feelings bring the pain
going backwards doesn't fix
the damage done by the rest
some watch powerless the dull
shiver from the aftershock and mess
manacles are made from paper
some are trapped within their skulls
they don't want to come out to
experience the dizzy prevailing pull
shift, clicks-the dread in the words
everyone listens to the electron flow
following the person in front
believing that hot is cold
twisted is equal to society
in the eyes of some that plead
for a change of direstion, to the better
in a world where we all just seem

2:13 AM <<6-14'03>>
this could be interpreted anyway. Really, my poetry are just mere words put together and find some meaning in them. Some i feel, some i wish to feel and some i don't. Its the way i write.

are people really reading this?

14 June 2003

just a day 

you know that song "brainstew" from green day? I felt like that some 11 hours ago. i couldn't sleep at all and i lost all sort of artistic inspiration. i couldn't draw, paint, write etc. my eyes hurt. my skull throbed. my head ached. and this happened for one miserable hour. i slept for one lousy hour and i awake to get that yell from my mom. the internet would kick me out every 10 minutes and any conversationi had was cut off. every download got cut off. > really im not someone who makes tantrums.........have you ever fallen in love with a song? might sound pathetic but it just makes me feel so great, the whole shitty world can look down on me and if that particular song is on i won't care! (metaphorly) right now, im in love with THE CODE. their album "alert aware involved" (also a song, awesome!) had political and realism in it, with their "riot" and their "40 hour week" (which i love it, its a ska kind of tune, and im not THAT much into ska.) i listened to that cd in the bus on the way to sherman, tx for the great debate. i obviously lost. but i borowed it from this guy who calls, or called me a poser for liking punk. i do like it. im not a poser. and I DID KNOW WHO THE UNSEEN were! he thinks im lying! ..but yes, that cd i listened to around 4 to 6 times...and more at sherman and the way back. i would never skip a song. the code are now one of my ultimate favorite bands and i suggest you to listen to them. i remember getting headphone ears right after, for listening to it so much. isn't life rad??
thats my quote today. those who are depressed don't like that, they say life sucks. maybe it does, but why not see through the consuming darkness and see the little small things, the nice parts of life? and want to hear something scary that i saw today? the word "evil" backwards spells "live"... that keeps me skepticle. but im not going to be evil. ...all apologies for rambling on. all apologies for getting you confused.

*m
y
R
a*

Testing 

This is Dan, testing for Myra, who is indisposed at the moment.

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